#55 – Dare I say..Racing to my 40’s??!!

#55 – Dare I say..Racing to my 40’s??!!

34352004654_a4969e49be_oSo here I am, almost a month away from being 39 years old and it has occurred to me over the past few days….Man my 30’s suuuuucked!!!  This is no poor me, but it’s a fact.  For the year I have left of being in my 30’s, I will be preparing for my 40’s.  I am determined to reinvent myself for this new decade….after all, I hear 40’s are the new 25!

I’m losing weight, keeping those close to me even closer, stressing over things that “matter”.  I can’t lose sleep over what something Trump may have said that day.  Speaking of sleep…I will sleep better.  I need to be present and really take a look at myself in the mirror and analyze it.  No more taking a glance, wincing, and stepping away.  This is serious.  My kids are only getting older and a whole new set of “stages” will be occurring.  I need to be at my best….for myself and for my kids.  I want holidays to feel special again.  It’s a shame that at the sweet innocent ages that my kids are now, they have the grinchiest mother out there.  It’s just not the same and I will change that.

I’m making this sound easy aren’t I?!  I am even convincing myself!!  But in all seriousness, all of this won’t happen at the stroke of midnight of me turning 40.  I know it’s going to take work, but I want to enjoy this work.  I want a life I don’t need a vacation from.  “But everyone has issues and no one’s life is perfect”, you say!  This is true and I don’t disagree with you, but it will all be how I handle things going forward.  No more “why does this shit always happen to me” attitude.  It will now be “okay, this is how I’m going to handle this”.  My aim is not to be perfect…my aim is to enjoy my life and all the craziness it entails.

Picture by: Kylie Aquino

Kristen

#8 – Saying “No”

#8 – Saying “No”

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Picture by: Henry Burrows

No.

Simple word.

2 letters.

Probably one of the most difficult words for me to use (except to my kids – but sometimes that is even hard).

I try to figure out why saying this simple word is so hard for me and the best I can come up with is because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I avoid confrontation like the plague.  With my kids, I think it’s more guilt…I want them happy (not spoiled or entitled…but happy).   But then I battle with, well what about what I want or need?

Since Dan has passed away, I took a solid stance that I would be strong, independent, don’t let anyone walk all over me, stick up for myself….  I have done most of that, I would say.  I mean…I have to be this way… I have to take care of myself, I don’t have back-up.  Sure I have family that help me a ton, but I don’t have that back-up of which a partner would provide.

But there are so many times someone has asked something of me and in my head I’m like “No, no, NOOO!”  and what comes out of my mouth “Okay, sure!”.  WTF!  I want to smack myself sometimes.  I scold myself and just get so mad that I am not standing up for myself.  And there I am….bitter and resentful.  Not the person I want to be or that anyone wants to be around!

So I continue to tell myself…be strong…say what you really want to…make yourself happy too.  Hopefully I will be writing a blog on “Tips on How to Say No!” one day!  But for now….WORK IN PROGRESS!

I also want to make a point that I’m not saying I should be saying “No” to everything.  There are just some days where I need time for myself or to just do nothing but chill.  I don’t want to run around all the time, especially on the not so great days.  I read something online, “Be gentle with yourself”.   Even though I need to take my own advice more often, I highly suggest this for people who have gone through something traumatic, heart breaking, etc.   Your body and mind need a rest sometimes and as with me, I’ve always been go, go, go.

So, stop and just remove the world from your shoulders…even if it’s just for 5 minutes when you are hiding in the bathroom, with the peaceful music on, just loud enough so you can’t hear what’s going on outside that door….just sayin’.

~K