#49 – #MondayBlog June 13

#49 – #MondayBlog June 13

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So I missed my usual #WeekendCoffeeShare…booo…sorry guys!  Not like it’s anything new, but it’s just so hectic right now.  But I’m starting to think….I may be addicted to being busy..even if I occasionally complain about it.

I keep putting more and more on my plate…but I’m enjoying it…can’t explain it.  I’m working full-time, going to school part-time, trying to get a side hustle business going for some extra cash, and raising two boys.   I have decided…I just need to be busy!

Saying that, I am also learning how to effectively manage my time.  I was sitting at work today and felt like I kept starting a few things at the same time.  I had to stop myself and just make a list.  I do it at home, work is the next best place to practice this habit!

My lists help!  Sometimes I can make it through it all and sometimes I don’t.  I at least feel accomplished when I can cross things off.  I can stir myself up in such a tizzy sometimes, that I’m so stressed and I have time for nothing, but all I need to do is prioritize.  I can’t do everything at once.  I also outsource anything and everything I can.  Anything I can get delivered to me so I don’t have to walk into an actual store with my rugrats in tow….I’m there!  Sign me up!

That’s my PSA for the day 🙂

Father’s Day will soon be upon us and wondering how my kids are taking it so far.  I haven’t heard much from the big guy and I’m always torn on how much I should pry out of him without introducing new feelings when he’s been strolling along just fine.

My little guy has renamed it “Grandfather’s Day”, which I’m fine with as long as he’s happy.  He actually corrected me when I called it “Father’s Day”.  I will ensure they remember their father as well that day, but make sure they are enjoying their Grandfathers and Uncles as much as possible at the same time.

Well I hope your Monday has gone well….it’s almost over!

Picture by: john.schultz Lic: CC

Kristen

# 46 – #MondayBlog – Coping with a Loss from Suicide

# 46 – #MondayBlog – Coping with a Loss from Suicide

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“How you cope with a loved one that has died by suicide.”  This is a tough question because for one – I am so saddened that someone else had to go through what I had gone through, and two – I am definitely not an expert and I live day by day.  However, I tend to jump at the chance to help someone else or offer advice when needed…it’s therapy for me too!  (So trust me…ask away! And I am particulary thankful I received a request to write on this topic…so thank you!)

I lost my husband in 2011, almost 5 years ago….

It doesn’t get easier with time as many people say. Which I hate to say…but it’s something that just kind of sits there in your mind…no better…no worse.  You just learn how to cope.

I had two, practically babies, to raise and I think I just went into a mode where I had to worry about them and everything else that my husband left behind.  I don’t think I even worked on coping for the first few years.

It’s a very hard topic to understand and in the beginning and I would read a lot about suicide.  However, I stopped because then the blame game comes into play.  You read about the signs and then you think “Oh my god it was right in front of my face”, but it’s not your fault.  It’s not anyone’s fault.

One of the first things I did was go to therapy.  I just needed to talk about so many different topics.  Now I know, therapy is not for everyone, but it has and does help me a lot and I continue to go to this day.  It is just nice to talk to someone, who has no relation to the family or the issues and get their advice.  Sometimes I think I just sit there and blabber about nonsense, but it gets it off my shoulders and doesn’t add it to any of my friends or families shoulders.

I have also attended a conference they have once a year at a local community college that is for Suicide Survivors and at one point in the conference they break you out into groups by the person you have lost.  This was the first time I have spoken with other people that have also lost someone to suicide.  It was a very emotional experience; however, you almost develop a deep connection with people that were once strangers.  Support groups are also good because you see people at all different stages of grief and listen to how they cope with their feelings.  You finally have that “Me too!” moment with people that “get it”.

I have also participated in Out of the Darkness walks every year since Dan has passed away to raise money for research and education.  This is another place that, unfortunately, gets a larger and larger group each year, but it is also a way to connect with others who know exactly what you are feeling.

It’s not easy and there is no magic answer.  This year was a particularly hard year for me around November (when he passed) to about the beginning of this year.  I feel like life has settled down and I am finally dealing with the loss.  I don’t think I have yet to completely deal with the loss, but just always remember, one day at a time.

I think of him several times a day and that has never stopped and I don’t want it to either.  I guess it’s just how you start to look at the situation and how you need to move forward with your life.

I know I have only scratched the surface of this topic, but if there is anything you would like specifically answered or how to find resources to help deal with your loss, please reach out and I will offer whatever assistance I can.

I have a feeling there will be a Part 2….stay tuned.

Picture by: Ivan Friande Lic: CC

Kristen

# 42 – #MondayBlog – Memories…like Movies in Your Mind

# 42 – #MondayBlog – Memories…like Movies in Your Mind

 

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Happy Memorial Day (even though the day is just about over)!  I hope you all had a great weekend!  I for one, am exhausted!

So there’s been something I’ve been thinking about lately and maybe you can relate.  Have you ever played a moment over in your head over and over again as if you were watching a movie?  Sometimes it happened a long time ago, yet when it plays in your head, you’re practically there.

Since my husband has passed away, I think there are a lot of things I blocked from my memory, perhaps to reappear when I’m ready for it…the mind works in mysterious ways.  But there are some bits and pieces that I can just close my eyes and see clear as day.  I suppose this is common with people who have lost a loved one.  But it’s just weird to me that I feel like I can’t remember everything…like someone has gone into my brain and wiped certain things away because maybe I’m just not ready to remember…I don’t know (something I should possibly read up on!)

I wish I had a full memory bank of my whole 15 years with Dan…it felt so long but yet now feels so incredibly short.  There’s so much I pray I don’t forget…like the very first time I saw him.  It was in high school and I was coming out of a stairwell and I look into the crowded hallway and in the sea of people, all I see is his head above the rest (he was pretty tall).  As I got closer, I saw that he was holding hands with someone so I quickly brushed it off, but god’s honest truth, I felt something, like a connection of some sort.  I had no idea what is was and didn’t think about it long because I didn’t even know his name at the time.  But something like this, I can close my eyes and see him walking down the crowded hallway perfectly.

As Father’s Day approaches, it seems to be getting a little harder.  My heart hurts in a totally different way for my children.  We will get through it and make it special though.

Keep.  Chugging.  Along.  Put on a smile and walk out that door…make it a good week!

Picture by: Pia Kristine Lic: CC

Kristen

 

# 38 – #MondayBlog May 23 – Dear Future Me…

# 38 – #MondayBlog May 23 – Dear Future Me…

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Dear Future Me… 

In the past 37 years, I had expected life to be different.  So I’m sorry to tell you, Future Me, I’m not positive where you will be.

I dreamt of a lot of things as a young girl.  Could not wait to find my companion for life.  It was all I would dream about…I wanted someone to love and take care of me.  But as I got older, I soon learned that those love stories that you see in the movies….are only in the movies.

As of right now, I have lost faith in finding “the one” I will grow older with.  Maybe Future Me you will have a different perspective on the topic, but as of now this is how I stand.

Some of you may find this hard to read, or have different circumstances, or whatever you may feel on the topic.  But things definitely did not go as planned and I know things happen for a reason, it’s just time until you figure out why.  Will I get married again…No.  Plain and simple, my heart doesn’t believe in it anymore.

I am happy I fell in love with Dan and had two wonderful baby boys, but it just didn’t happen how I dreamed it would in the end.  I know not all marriages are perfect and all require work…trust me, I have read a lot on these topics.

It’s just not for me to put my heart on the line one more time.  It’s shattered and it would take one heck of a person to put the pieces back because some of them will forever be gone.

The world is different, people are different, and I’m not sad about it being alone.  I have my boys and they are my world.  I have been a wife and don’t regret any of it, but Dan holds a special place in my heart, no matter what.

When he passed he took many pieces of my heart with him.  Sometimes I’m mad at him, other times just overcome with grief.

But I cannot go back in time.

It’s plain and simple.

No answer why this happened and there never will be.

So Future Me, just make sure you take care of yourself.  Keep the boys happy and healthy.  This is my priority now.

Sorry this post is a little dark and initially did not intend it to go this route, but my feelings just poured out this way.

#MondayBlog

Picture by: Richard Foster Lic: CC

~ K

# 35 – Just Another Manic Monday

# 35 – Just Another Manic Monday

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So I wasn’t really sure I was going to end up writing a post this evening considering I have a rather busy Tuesday (and rest of the week really) and I really need tonight to prepare for it.  But here I am, sitting at my desk, chugging away…at writing, not drinking…but that’s not a bad idea either.

Instead of sitting here complaining how much of a stressful day today was….I will think of the positive.  I am sick of the negative the past few days/weeks.

Thankful….

Tonight marks the end of Week 4 of my class and only one more week to go!  I also finished my presentation and submitted it…good riddance to that!

Teachers have been contacting me regarding the fact that Father’s Day is coming up and they want to be extra sensitive to my guys feelings during these class celebrations.  I appreciate these teachers…I really honestly do.  I am also very thankful to my guys grandfathers, uncles, godfathers, and friends who are always willing to step up and take on the father role when one is needed.  I always consider myself both the mom and the dad, but the boys definitely need some boy time once in a while.

My big guy is on the mend from being sick the entire weekend, which makes me feel so much more at ease!

I hope you all have a wonderful week and I hope if your Monday started out rather manic, I hope it evened out by the evening!

#MondayBlogs

Also, don’t forget my giveaway for a $25 Amazon gift card…time is running out.  See my blog # 33 – #BetterPersonChallenge & A Giveaway! for more details!

~ K

Picture by: Nick Saltmarsh Lic: CC

# 29 – Monday Motivation…or Not…

# 29 – Monday Motivation…or Not…

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It’s Monday…Yay!  Said no one ever!  We are all groggy, cranky, sleepy….hell we could be the seven dwarfs.  But we gotta chug along and make the day count, no matter how hard it is getting out of our nice comfy beds. (Sounds good right!)

Ready…chant “We can do this”!  I’m stretching it aren’t I?!  Anyway..here’s some motivation for your Monday morning!

2 hours later…I’m not kidding!

Okay you know what’s harder than finding Monday motivation…doing it on a Sunday night.  Yeah…I’m going to switch gears.  Sorry folks!  Motivation meter is way down low.

I’ve got a sick kid with strep throat that I’m hoping doesn’t spread to the rest of us.  I went into the doctor’s office Sunday morning and it was packed like a bunch of sardines and warm…like no air flow.  I sat there, dying on the inside, the germ-o-phobe within me was itching to come out and run my ass out of there.  As the well child is asking me “can I play with your phone?  can I play with your phone? can i play with your phone”  Really?!  You would like to play with my phone while you lay across the seats that all the sick people are sitting in and probably picking your nose.  Yes…sure..I’m okay with that! Bleh! So needless to say my list of things “to do” for Sunday, got kinda screwed up.  By the time I got home, patience level was way down and I felt like I needed a nap…hahaha how funny of a thought is that though!?!

Well I will be home with the sick child today, so maybe I can finish what I didn’t get to yesterday.  The other thing I need to get my ass in gear about is homework.  ALL weekend I stared at my screen.  Why is it I can just sit here and write nonsense, yet when given a question from my teacher, I look at the computer screen like I forgot how to read!  Irritates the heck out of me!  See this is where my chants come into play…I have to motivate myself  to actually work on something really important.  “I can do this!”  How much coffee can one drink before it’s considered bad…like in one day??

Okay I’m sure you have had enough of reading this as I am of writing it.  I do truly hope you have a decent Monday!

~ K

oh P.S. I usually don’t write on Tuesday’s, but I wanted to remind you all that it’s National Lumpy Rug Day tomorrow.  Go sit on your lumpy rug with a glass of wine and embrace it! #NationalLumpyRugDay  Seriously, I don’t make this stuff up!

Picture by: Susan Ackeridge Lic: CC

# 25 – I Can Take a Joke

# 25 – I Can Take a Joke

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So we thankfully we got through another Monday!  High fives all around!  However, it means Tuesday is right around the corner.  I hate Tuesdays…just do, I feel like they are a day in the week that should be bypassed.  Even though I hate rushing my days/weeks…I still hate Tuesday.

So what’s up with my title?  I got dressed this morning and picked out a new shirt I bought online and thought to myself…I kinda look like a bathroom rug.  I was wondering how many comments I would get at work joking about it or maybe just thinking it in their head.

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So at lunch today, at a lull in our conversation, I asked “Do I remind you of a rug?”.  Laughter exploded and I said “I knew you all were thinking it!!”  “Well now that you mention it…” is the reply I received.  All I can do is laugh…it is funny!  The funnier thing is that when I picked up the kids at school today, the first thing the counselor said to me was “I really like your shirt”.  Was she being nice?  Did she really like it?  My crazy mind!

Hey, anything to get through a Monday right!?  I can take a joke!

That is exactly what I am thankful for this Monday…I can laugh at myself and not take life too seriously all the time.  (and yes, I am still playing with Snapchat).  Or maybe this is a reaction from having trauma in life…you become a little nuts…either way, I make myself laugh!

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Hope you got to smile today and have a good laugh!

~ K

Picture by: Matteo Staltari Lic: CC