So here I am, almost a month away from being 39 years old and it has occurred to me over the past few days….Man my 30’s suuuuucked!!! This is no poor me, but it’s a fact. For the year I have left of being in my 30’s, I will be preparing for my 40’s. I am determined to reinvent myself for this new decade….after all, I hear 40’s are the new 25!
I’m losing weight, keeping those close to me even closer, stressing over things that “matter”. I can’t lose sleep over what something Trump may have said that day. Speaking of sleep…I will sleep better. I need to be present and really take a look at myself in the mirror and analyze it. No more taking a glance, wincing, and stepping away. This is serious. My kids are only getting older and a whole new set of “stages” will be occurring. I need to be at my best….for myself and for my kids. I want holidays to feel special again. It’s a shame that at the sweet innocent ages that my kids are now, they have the grinchiest mother out there. It’s just not the same and I will change that.
I’m making this sound easy aren’t I?! I am even convincing myself!! But in all seriousness, all of this won’t happen at the stroke of midnight of me turning 40. I know it’s going to take work, but I want to enjoy this work. I want a life I don’t need a vacation from. “But everyone has issues and no one’s life is perfect”, you say! This is true and I don’t disagree with you, but it will all be how I handle things going forward. No more “why does this shit always happen to me” attitude. It will now be “okay, this is how I’m going to handle this”. My aim is not to be perfect…my aim is to enjoy my life and all the craziness it entails.
Picture by: Kylie Aquino
So M came home from school today all excited to show me the picture he drew. It was a big heart with a picture of Mom and Dad holding hands, as well as, himself and D. “Your picture is amazing! I love all the detail and everyone holding hands.”
What could I say?
What was running through my head was…my poor son you are missing having a father so bad and there is nothing I can do to bring him back for you or anyone else. My heart is just breaking for you so badly on the inside.
But you know what, this is our life. It abruptly changed with no warning or anyway for us to prepare for this. The fact of the matter is that this will never change and it will always be heartbreaking. It will be how we deal with these emotions, speak of memories of him, and telling them they look just like daddy.
I really don’t know what the future will bring with these discussions, nor am I prepared for it, to be honest. As much as I go over how to talk to my kids about death, speak to professionals on the topic… you never know the questions or statements that will come out of kids mouths or what’s going on in their head.
I am extremely thankful for the men my boys do have in their lives and I know they all try to chip in as much as they can. It’s appreciated more than I could ever explain. But there will always be a void in our lives and eventually we will come to realize that it will not destroy us. We can still live fulfilling lives together.
I told them when we moved into our new home….we are a team, we stick together, and we all love each other very much. This motto I am sticking to!
Confession: I hide in the bathroom when the kids are settling into bed and I put on Pandora, start taking my make-up off, and just close my eyes and take a breath.
A song came on tonight, (that happens to be the same artist as the one that sang my wedding song), and I kept hearing this phrase “Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger”. This cannot be more true! On my worst days, when I finally get out of that funk, I know things will be okay.
I have become strong and trust me, I am not bragging about it. It happened out of necessity. I was always a follower, I admit it. I’m not going to say I’m a leader now, but I am growing in that direction. It’s the little things like attending a wedding by myself, taking myself to the airport for a business trip, setting up appointments with contractors, buying a car….these are things that I’ve either had Dan with me or have him take the lead on. I started dating Dan when I was 16….that’s practically half of my life….always with him by my side.
I’ve always been on the independent side….I always wanted a job, starting with babysitting at the age of 12…can you imagine!? I typed up a paper offering my babysitting services and put them in my neighborhood mailboxes. Then as soon as I turned 16, I was right at the mall filling out applications. I liked having my own money….my own independence. I guess in a way, this was all a part of building my future. I’ve been independent, living on my own for 4 years, and hey….we are all still alive!!! I must be doing something right.
I leave you with Myles’ quote of the day, “Mom, how can you laugh and scream at the same time?” I responded with “It’s a secret talent I have”. As I later thought about what a person would look like laughing and yelling at the same time….. Psycho came immediately to mind!! I lose my sh*t, but hey, we can all laugh about it later, right?! There’s only so many times I can tell a kid to put his shoes on in the morning to catch the bus! I’m open to new suggestions on techniques besides hiding in the bathroom…LOL!
#tbt One of my favs of D meeting Myles for the first time 🙂 Enjoy!