So here I am, almost a month away from being 39 years old and it has occurred to me over the past few days….Man my 30’s suuuuucked!!! This is no poor me, but it’s a fact. For the year I have left of being in my 30’s, I will be preparing for my 40’s. I am determined to reinvent myself for this new decade….after all, I hear 40’s are the new 25!
I’m losing weight, keeping those close to me even closer, stressing over things that “matter”. I can’t lose sleep over what something Trump may have said that day. Speaking of sleep…I will sleep better. I need to be present and really take a look at myself in the mirror and analyze it. No more taking a glance, wincing, and stepping away. This is serious. My kids are only getting older and a whole new set of “stages” will be occurring. I need to be at my best….for myself and for my kids. I want holidays to feel special again. It’s a shame that at the sweet innocent ages that my kids are now, they have the grinchiest mother out there. It’s just not the same and I will change that.
I’m making this sound easy aren’t I?! I am even convincing myself!! But in all seriousness, all of this won’t happen at the stroke of midnight of me turning 40. I know it’s going to take work, but I want to enjoy this work. I want a life I don’t need a vacation from. “But everyone has issues and no one’s life is perfect”, you say! This is true and I don’t disagree with you, but it will all be how I handle things going forward. No more “why does this shit always happen to me” attitude. It will now be “okay, this is how I’m going to handle this”. My aim is not to be perfect…my aim is to enjoy my life and all the craziness it entails.
Picture by: Kylie Aquino
I never realized how fast your life could change…until the day that did change my entire life…happened.
Forever engraved in my head, sitting at my in-laws house waiting….waiting….waiting. Listening to the sounds of my mother-in-law giving my children a bath upstairs. All I could think was…this kind of thing does NOT happen to us. Everything will be fine.
Then it happened…no one likes to see the police office walking up to your front door.
All I remember saying is,
“But he is going to be alright, right?!”
The Police Officer saying “What do you mean?”
“You will take him to the hospital and he will be alright, right?!”
My husband died from suicide. I had two boys that were 15 months old and 4 years old at the time….what the hell was I going to do?!? Why did this happen? Why didn’t I go after him? A million other questions fogged my brain the entire night. I remember waking up the next morning at my in-laws house and watching my 15-month old son play in the living room at the crack of dawn. What was I going to tell my kids? How will I be able to walk back into my home?
In all honesty, I don’t really remember what exactly happened the next few days. What I do know is that after the wake and funeral….I had to be a mother and keep going. I had to take charge of what was going to happen with everything that had lose ends and everything in the future. Thinking back on it now, I think “How in the world did I handle all of that”, but I was in auto-drive. I couldn’t curl up in a ball and lay in my bed all day, even though that is ALL I wanted to do. My boys depended on me, I can’t let them down.
I am devastated……but I got this (I hope)!