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Happy Memorial Day (even though the day is just about over)! I hope you all had a great weekend! I for one, am exhausted!
So there’s been something I’ve been thinking about lately and maybe you can relate. Have you ever played a moment over in your head over and over again as if you were watching a movie? Sometimes it happened a long time ago, yet when it plays in your head, you’re practically there.
Since my husband has passed away, I think there are a lot of things I blocked from my memory, perhaps to reappear when I’m ready for it…the mind works in mysterious ways. But there are some bits and pieces that I can just close my eyes and see clear as day. I suppose this is common with people who have lost a loved one. But it’s just weird to me that I feel like I can’t remember everything…like someone has gone into my brain and wiped certain things away because maybe I’m just not ready to remember…I don’t know (something I should possibly read up on!)
I wish I had a full memory bank of my whole 15 years with Dan…it felt so long but yet now feels so incredibly short. There’s so much I pray I don’t forget…like the very first time I saw him. It was in high school and I was coming out of a stairwell and I look into the crowded hallway and in the sea of people, all I see is his head above the rest (he was pretty tall). As I got closer, I saw that he was holding hands with someone so I quickly brushed it off, but god’s honest truth, I felt something, like a connection of some sort. I had no idea what is was and didn’t think about it long because I didn’t even know his name at the time. But something like this, I can close my eyes and see him walking down the crowded hallway perfectly.
As Father’s Day approaches, it seems to be getting a little harder. My heart hurts in a totally different way for my children. We will get through it and make it special though.
Keep. Chugging. Along. Put on a smile and walk out that door…make it a good week!
I would say “Come on in…I’m on my 2nd cup!”. After my business trip last week, I have felt like I’ve been playing tag with getting back to reality, with reality always being at the tip of my fingers, but never really catching it.
Once I get into a good routine, if I slip out of it, it’s so hard to get back to that place. I was determined that going on this trip would not do that to me, but it somewhat has. Like does it matter that my son doesn’t have any pajamas in his drawer…throw on some comfy shorts for goodness sake! The laundry will eventually get done or it’s probably sitting in the dryer for the past 2 days…go look in there!
On a good note though, I have successfully completed my first class since going back to school!! Woot Woot! I have a little break before starting the next class…this is another routine I need to keep on top of. I’ve been stopping and starting school for the past few years and I really just need to finish. But you know…life gets kind of hectic!
Speaking of hectic…ugh…THIS weekend…is all I have to say! On that note, laundry is calling my name (actually the whole house is pretty much whispering my name that it needs some help)…where are those good little fairies that come and clean your house while you’re sleeping??!!
Before you go to Sleep, Think of the Best Thing that Day for 5 Minutes.
Instead of worrying about all the things that went wrong today or everything you need to do tomorrow, clear your mind and think about what was the best thing that happened today.
We got out of the house with no meltdowns.
I got a good parking spot at work
My child made me a beautiful picture at school today
I got a hug for no reason from my child
I lost a pound
I had a good laugh with a friend today
Nobody spilled anything at dinner
I had a really great conversation with my son/daughter/wife/husband
I had enough points for a free coffee
These are just a few example of things that could be major or they can be as minor as you want. Did it make you happy, did you smile…..think positive before going to bed. Try to wipe the stress away by thinking of all the good things that may have happened today.
See if it makes a difference in how you wake up the next morning.
In the past 37 years, I had expected life to be different. So I’m sorry to tell you, Future Me, I’m not positive where you will be.
I dreamt of a lot of things as a young girl. Could not wait to find my companion for life. It was all I would dream about…I wanted someone to love and take care of me. But as I got older, I soon learned that those love stories that you see in the movies….are only in the movies.
As of right now, I have lost faith in finding “the one” I will grow older with. Maybe Future Me you will have a different perspective on the topic, but as of now this is how I stand.
Some of you may find this hard to read, or have different circumstances, or whatever you may feel on the topic. But things definitely did not go as planned and I know things happen for a reason, it’s just time until you figure out why. Will I get married again…No. Plain and simple, my heart doesn’t believe in it anymore.
I am happy I fell in love with Dan and had two wonderful baby boys, but it just didn’t happen how I dreamed it would in the end. I know not all marriages are perfect and all require work…trust me, I have read a lot on these topics.
It’s just not for me to put my heart on the line one more time. It’s shattered and it would take one heck of a person to put the pieces back because some of them will forever be gone.
The world is different, people are different, and I’m not sad about it being alone. I have my boys and they are my world. I have been a wife and don’t regret any of it, but Dan holds a special place in my heart, no matter what.
When he passed he took many pieces of my heart with him. Sometimes I’m mad at him, other times just overcome with grief.
But I cannot go back in time.
It’s plain and simple.
No answer why this happened and there never will be.
So Future Me, just make sure you take care of yourself. Keep the boys happy and healthy. This is my priority now.
Sorry this post is a little dark and initially did not intend it to go this route, but my feelings just poured out this way.