#2 Becoming a Widow at 32

#2 Becoming a Widow at 32

I never realized how fast your life could change…until the day that did change my entire life…happened.

Forever engraved in my head, sitting at my in-laws house waiting….waiting….waiting. Listening to the sounds of my mother-in-law giving my children a bath upstairs.  All I could think was…this kind of thing does NOT happen to us.  Everything will be fine.

Then it happened…no one likes to see the police office walking up to your front door.

All I remember saying is,

“But he is going to be alright, right?!” 

The Police Officer saying “What do you mean?” 

“You will take him to the hospital and he will be alright, right?!”

My husband died from suicide.  I had two boys that were 15 months old and 4 years old at the time….what the hell was I going to do?!?  Why did this happen?  Why didn’t I go after him?  A million other questions fogged my brain the entire night.  I remember waking up the next morning at my in-laws house and watching my 15-month old son play in the living room at the crack of dawn.  What was I going to tell my kids?  How will I be able to walk back into my home?

In all honesty, I don’t really remember what exactly happened the next few days.  What I do know is that after the wake and funeral….I had to be a mother and keep going.  I had to take charge of what was going to happen with everything that had lose ends and everything in the future.  Thinking back on it now, I think “How in the world did I handle all of that”, but I was in auto-drive.  I couldn’t curl up in a ball and lay in my bed all day, even though that is ALL I wanted to do.  My boys depended on me, I can’t let them down.

I am devastated……but I got this (I hope)!

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