# 12 – The Blahs

# 12 – The Blahs

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Picture by: tenz1225 Lic: CC

So since I have had my gallbladder removed (almost a week ago), I have been resting and trying to recover.   The kids have been on Spring Break at the same time and life has slowed down.  There’s nowhere we have to be by a certain time (its all been cancelled!).

Life has actually slowed down….it’s kinda scary!

I had a groove, a routine….I had it sorta together.  Now…I just feel blah.

As the weekend is approaching, kids will be going back to school, I will be going back to work, and chaos will begin all over again.  I’m scared people!  I feel blah and I have to go from 0-60 in only a few short days.

All that I can hope is that when my body finally feels back to normal, I can get back to where I was….in a good place.

Or a place that was good for me.

My goals:

  • Feel better….no stress.
  • Get back to organizing the house…this makes me happy.
  • Make a plan of action for the week… and stick to it!*

I’ll keep it at that for now.

*Go Slow Kristen!

~ K

#11 – It Really Does Take a Village

#11 – It Really Does Take a Village

Flowers

So I unexpectedly had to have my gallbladder removed – hence my little break in blogging.  It was a very scary experience in that, when I had no idea what was wrong with me, all I could think of were my boys and I can’t have anything wrong with me because they NEED me.

I thought it was just heartburn, but this time it was not going away and just getting worse….it hurt to breathe.  I figured I would just go to the walk-in clinic and get a prescription for a heartburn medication.  But as soon as you say “chest pains” and you also currently have high blood pressure….they are calling 911 and the next thing you know is they are taking you out by a stretcher.

I couldn’t stop crying…it was like I wasn’t even going through the emotion of crying…tears just started streaming down my face and I couldn’t stop it.  I was by myself and I really didn’t know what to expect, but I couldn’t stop thinking about my boys.

But I have to say, my entire family sprung into action.  My in-laws were on their way to stay with me in the ER, my sister-in-law was taking care of my kids, my parents had one foot in the car ready to drive 2 hours…even though I begged them not to….it was probably (hopefully) nothing.  Just heartburn.

So after spending two days in the hospital, eventually discovering my gallbladder needed to be removed…everything I was taking care of before, was seamlessly happening for me.  Kids were taken care of and ready for Easter, the dog was taken care of, and all I had to do was go home and rest.  I cannot thank everyone enough for all of the help they provided (and still are providing) while I recover.  Family and friends who have been reaching out and making sure I am okay and always providing a lending hand…..I’m forever grateful!

So even though this has disturbed Spring Break for my kids and everything I had scheduled for this week…I guess it was a blessing in disguise.  I had to stop and just take care of myself….my VILLAGE has my back!

Next week, all of the crazy will be back.

# 10 I am Thankful For…

# 10 I am Thankful For…

thankfulPicture by: kiliki805 Lic: CC

I figured I would switch things up a bit from feeling a bit down lately.  I decided to make a list of what I am thankful for and simply what makes me happy.  I would love to hear from you as well!

P.S.  I am serious with all of these things…but I hope you can see the humor in some of them!

  1. My boys
  2. Family
  3. Fabulous In-Laws
  4. Friends
  5. Coffee
  6. Warm Showers
  7. Comfortable Bed (even though I share it with 2 little nuggets)
  8. Owning my Home
  9. Being able to provide for my boys
  10. Having a great job
  11. Old pictures/videos
  12. Being able to keep it together when times get tough
  13. Netflix
  14. YouTube (I can fix anything with YouTube)
  15. Acrylic (I will be able to know who reads this with this comment…lol)
  16. Facebook – I was able to connect with so many friends from when I was younger that I probably would have never seen again.
  17. Podcasts
  18. Quiet Time
  19. My Kindle
  20. Weekends with no plans
  21. Sephora
  22. My Fuzzy Slippers
  23. Living in the part of the country that experiences all 4 seasons
  24. Ability to go back to school (even though it has taken about 20 years)
  25. Amazing Teachers for my Kids
  26. Organization
  27. My phone – yes I’m one of those!
  28. Amazon Prime

Your Turn!

~ K

 

#9 Every Breath You Take

#9 Every Breath You Take

Dan and D at the Beach

Since you’ve gone I been lost without a trace

I dream at night I can only see your face

I look around but it’s you I can’t replace

I feel so cold and I long for your embrace

I keep crying baby, baby, please

(Song by: The Police)

I have dreams about Dan, but they are always the same….he comes back.  Nothing has changed in what happened in “our story”, but he comes back and I have to update him on everything that has changed in the last 4 years.  It usually starts the same, we are incredibly happy, missing each other, he can’t get over how the boys have grown….but it always goes back to a bad place…every single time.

I would love to have a dream where he talks to me.  Tells me something, gives me some type of message.  I have gone to see Mediums and he has “come through” each time.  Sometimes I believe…sometimes I don’t.  Are they just saying things to help me have peace and move on?  Is he really in the room with us giving her a message for me?  Honestly, I don’t know what to believe, except it brings me back 4 years ago and it’s painful.  I will now rely on finding those random pennies and days when every corner I turn I see a white BMW….he is with me.

Our wedding song was “I Could Not Ask for More”, well I think about it now….I could ask for more…a lot more.  Please don’t leave…and I mean that in so many ways.

~ K

#8 – Saying “No”

#8 – Saying “No”

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Picture by: Henry Burrows

No.

Simple word.

2 letters.

Probably one of the most difficult words for me to use (except to my kids – but sometimes that is even hard).

I try to figure out why saying this simple word is so hard for me and the best I can come up with is because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I avoid confrontation like the plague.  With my kids, I think it’s more guilt…I want them happy (not spoiled or entitled…but happy).   But then I battle with, well what about what I want or need?

Since Dan has passed away, I took a solid stance that I would be strong, independent, don’t let anyone walk all over me, stick up for myself….  I have done most of that, I would say.  I mean…I have to be this way… I have to take care of myself, I don’t have back-up.  Sure I have family that help me a ton, but I don’t have that back-up of which a partner would provide.

But there are so many times someone has asked something of me and in my head I’m like “No, no, NOOO!”  and what comes out of my mouth “Okay, sure!”.  WTF!  I want to smack myself sometimes.  I scold myself and just get so mad that I am not standing up for myself.  And there I am….bitter and resentful.  Not the person I want to be or that anyone wants to be around!

So I continue to tell myself…be strong…say what you really want to…make yourself happy too.  Hopefully I will be writing a blog on “Tips on How to Say No!” one day!  But for now….WORK IN PROGRESS!

I also want to make a point that I’m not saying I should be saying “No” to everything.  There are just some days where I need time for myself or to just do nothing but chill.  I don’t want to run around all the time, especially on the not so great days.  I read something online, “Be gentle with yourself”.   Even though I need to take my own advice more often, I highly suggest this for people who have gone through something traumatic, heart breaking, etc.   Your body and mind need a rest sometimes and as with me, I’ve always been go, go, go.

So, stop and just remove the world from your shoulders…even if it’s just for 5 minutes when you are hiding in the bathroom, with the peaceful music on, just loud enough so you can’t hear what’s going on outside that door….just sayin’.

~K

# 7 When Your Life is Ruled by Legos

# 7 When Your Life is Ruled by Legos

lego

Picture by: Chris

I’m out numbered by boys in my home.  So yeah…my house was a mess.

The Legos are slowly finding every nook and cranny in every room of the house and it’s making me slightly insane!

I am not organized or neat by nature (ask my mother).  But as I have grown older, being organized makes me….happy!  I don’t know what it is, but when everything has a home and I can find something on a whim….it totally thrills me!  I guess this is what happens when you are in your late 30’s.

So starting the beginning of this year, I went into full organizational mode.  I believe I probably have the Legos to thank for it.  My boys got about 9 million lego presents and I had no idea where to store them.  I’m slightly OCD and my “dream” would be that I could keep all the packages all together, keep the manuals with the right blocks, have assigned drawers for certain legos…..how many of you are laughing at this point??

Well the Lego debacle lasted about a month, but it started something within me that I NEEDED organization in my life.  I was sick of walking in the door of my house and it looking like we had been robbed, but of course that was never the case.

I had three closets redone in my home, bought bins upon bins in all shapes and sizes.  I even organized my fridge with bins….yup became that person!  But behind all of my nonsense with consulting with friends on which bins should I choose for the pantry, the closet, etc, etc, (*sorry*), I think it has really helped me with life in general.

The first year or so living in my new home, it was always a disaster and that’s exactly what my life had felt like at the time.  As time has gone on, I had to accept things are and will be different.  I have my bad days, weeks, months…..but we all do, but we chug along.  You can’t control everything in life…it’s like legos…you’re either stepping on them, finding them in crazy places, or seeing them perfectly put away (just how you’re OCD self likes them).  It’s crazy, but life is pretty much the same way!

~ K

 

#6 Stuck on Replay

#6 Stuck on Replay

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Picture By: Andrew Malone
Do you ever feel like you are constantly reliving a situation over and over in your head…no matter what the situation may be.  It’s like listening to an old cassette tape (remember those).  Click, Play, Click, Pause, Click, Play….that’s how I feel some days.  It has taken me a while to feel that losing my husband was something that really happened.  I used to keep track of what changes I have made since he was gone so when he came back, I could let him know exactly where or how everything is now.  Worried he would be upset I sold the house, sold his projector, sold his van….

My heart breaks for my boys.  It’s just not fair to them either.  Myles was only 15 months old when Dan passed away.  He told me in the car a few weeks ago that he can’t remember the sound of his voice.  He caught me totally off guard….forgot in a second where I was heading, thinking “How do I answer this”.  It was the next day I started looking for videos.  We have old videos probably from before we were married and then the iPhone came out and we stopped using the camcorder.  Surprisingly, there were hardly any videos I could show Myles to listen to his voice.  I found one video, perhaps my favorite of all.  It is only a minute and 15 seconds long, but it’s those few minutes I can relive the sound of his voice, see him interacting with Myles, and I can smile and cry at the same time.  One minute and 15 seconds….didn’t know it could hold so many emotions all at once.

I suggest take more pictures, more video and save them all.  Someone will want to look back at them one day.  Those little snippets of the past, could mean the world to you in the future.

~K